Sunday, 30 December 2012

If you'd just give her a chance



Date a girl who writes.
Date a girl who may never wear completely clean clothes, because of coffee stains and ink spills. She’ll have many problems with her closet space, and her laptop is never boring because there are so many words, so many worlds that she’s cluttered amidst the space. Tabs open filled with obscure and popular music. Interesting factoids about Catherine the Great, and the immortality of jellyfish. Laugh it off when she tells you that she forgot to clean her room, that her clothes are lost among the binders so it’ll take her longer to get ready, that her shoes hidden under the mountain of broken Bic pens and the refurbished laptop that she’s saved for ever since she was twelve. 
Kiss her under the lamppost, when it’s raining. Tell her your definition of love.
Find a girl who writes. You’ll know that she has a sense of humor, a sense of empathy and kindness, and that she will dream up worlds, universes for you. She’s the one with the faintest of shadows underneath her eyelids, the one who smells of coffee and Coca-cola and jasmine green tea. You see that girl hunched over a notebook. That’s the writer. With her fingers occasionally smudged with charcoal, with ink that will travel onto your hands when you interlock your fingers with her’s. She will never stop, churning out adventures, of traitors and heroes. Darkness and light. Fear and love. That’s the writer. She can never resist filling a blank page with words, whatever the color of the page is.
She’s the girl reading while waiting for her coffee and tea. She’s the quiet girl with her music turned up loud (or impossibly quiet), separating the two of you by an ocean of crescendos and decrescendos as she’s thinking of the perfect words. If you take a peek at her cup, the tea or coffee’s already cold. She’s already forgotten it.
Use a pick-up line with her if she doesn’t look too busy.
If she raises her head, offer to buy her another cup of coffee. Or of tea. She’ll repay you with stories. If she closes her laptop, give her your critique of Tolstoy, and your best theories of Hannibal and the Crossing. Tell her your characters, your dreams, and ask if she gotten through her first novel.
It is hard to date a girl who writes. But be patient with her. Give her books for her birthday, pretty notebooks for Christmas and for anniversaries, moleskins and bookmarks and many, many books. Give her the gift of words, for writers are talkative people, and they are verbose in their thanks. Let her know that you’re behind her every step of the way, for the lines between fiction and reality are fluid.
She’ll give you a chance.
Don’t lie to her. She’ll understand the syntax behind your words. She’ll be disappointed by your lies, but a girl who writes will understand. She’ll understand that sometimes even the greatest heroes fail, and that happy endings take time, both in fiction and reality. She’s realistic. A girl who writes isn’t impatient; she will understand your flaws. She will cherish them, because a girl who writes will understand plot. She’ll understand that endings happen for better or for worst.
A girl who writes will not expect perfection from you. Her narratives are rich, her characters are multifaceted because of interesting flaws. She’ll understand that a good book does not have perfect characters; villains and tragic flaws are the salt of books. She’ll understand trouble, because it spices up her story. No author wants an invincible hero; the girl who writes will understand that you are only human.
Be her compatriot, be her darling, her love, her dream, her world.
If you find a girl who writes, keep her close. If you find her at two AM, typing furiously, the neon gaze of the light illuminating her furrowed forehead, place a blanket gently on her so that she does not catch a chill. Make her a pot of tea, and sit with her. You may lose her to her world for a few moments, but she will come back to you, brimming with treasure. You will believe in her every single time, the two of you illuminated only by the computer screen, but invincible in the darkness.
She is your Shahrazad. When you are afraid of the dark, she will guide you, her words turning into lanterns, turning into lights and stars and candles that will guide you through your darkest times. She’ll be the one to save you.
She’ll whisk you away on a hot air balloon, and you will be smitten with her. She’s mischievous, frisky, yet she’s quiet and when she has to kill off a lovely character, when she cries, hold her and tell her that it will be alright. 
You will propose to her. Maybe on a boat in the ocean, maybe in a little cottage in the Appalachian Mountains. Maybe in New York City. Maybe Chicago. Baltimore. Maybe outside her publisher’s office. Because she’s radiant, wherever she goes. Maybe even outside of a cinema where the two of you kiss in the rain. She’ll say that it is overused and clichéd, but the glint in her eyes will tell you that she appreciates it all the same.
You will smile hard as she talks a mile a second, and your heart will skip a beat when she holds your hand and she will write stories of your lives together. She’ll hold you close and whisper secrets into your ears. She’s lovely, remember that. She’s self made and she’s brilliant. Her names for the children might be terrible, but you’ll be okay with that. A girl who writes will tell your children fantastical stories.
Because that is the best part about a girl who writes. She has imagination and she has courage, and it will be enough. She’ll save you in the oceans of her dreams, and she’ll be your catharsis and your 11:11. She’ll be your firebird and she’ll be your knight, and she’ll become your world, in the curve of her smile, in the hazel of her eye the half-dimple on her face, the words that are pouring out of her, a torrent, a wave, a crescendo - so many sensations that you will be left breathless by a girl who writes.
Maybe she’s not the best at grammar, but that is okay.
Date a girl who writes because you deserve it. She’s witty, she’s empathetic, enigmatic at times and she’s lovely. She’s got the most colorful life. She may be living in NYC or she may be living in a small cottage. Date a girl who writes because a girl who writes reads.
A girl who writes will understand reality. She’ll be infuriating at times, and maybe sometimes you will hate her. Sometimes she will hate you too. But a girl who writes understands human nature, and she will understand that you are weak. She will not leave on the Midnight Train the first moment that things go sour. She will understand that real life isn’t like a story, because while she works in stories, she lives in reality. 
Date a girl who writes. 
Because there is nothing better than a girl who writes.

taken from here

Monday, 24 December 2012

just odd

A lot of things to say but always struggling with finding the perfect words to start. Not being able to begin always stop me from doing something. Just like they say, the beginning is always the hardest. With that, I am just going to start. I look at myself and I think of how sad I am. Always busy dreaming on becoming a better person instead of trying to be a better person. Always dream of the impossible, living in a world filled with delusional thoughts and always thinking that maybe someday, one day--someone would love me. As if someone would take the time to sit down, have a cup of tea with me and get to know me. As if somebody would even give me a chance. All these delusional thoughts need to stop. I need to stop. There's nothing more I can say simply because I don't know what to say; or how to say. No pretty, poetic words will come out from this lips. No heartfelt, beautiful post will ever be written. Guess I have just lost my charm while losing myself. 



p/s: happy birthday, dear self.

Friday, 23 November 2012

people

They surprised me sometimes. The way they see things, the way they perceive things, the way their mind works and the amount of effort they go through just to have the bright, shining spotlight on them. Their obliviousness of their surroundings and people's feelings, appall me and the necessity of them being right all the time riles me up: Mine and only mine opinion matters! They take up most of the time in their lives justifying themselves, justifying every single action they did. Oh, what a waste of time. They focus on one single flaw in you, in life--and immediately they forget all the beautiful things exist in this world, in you. 



NotetoSelf: Take a step back, observe, and  try not to be one of them.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

hidden & never found


Sometimes, I just want to be noticed, my words to be heard, my works to be appreciated, my soul to be loved. I just want to matter. I don't want to be like those flowers; withered then forgotten. 

Friday, 9 November 2012

Little Things

Taking every little things seriously; a beautiful yet dangerous thing to do. A simple gesture can make your heart flutters, a simple smile can bring a thousand meanings and keep you imagining things for nights after nights after nights. A simple look can make you feel like you own the world and all is right for you. 

Suddenly the stars and universe are aligned for you. 

Then, a drop of rain falls on you and everything becomes blurry. A single goodbye hurts you for nights, weeks and sometimes months. A simple silence keeps your heart rushing and running for someone who does not even want to be found. They walk away with their lives and left you hanging in the middle of your imaginary sky.

And you don't know that it hurts this much--until you fall.

Doubts grow in you like poison ivies, hurting you as the day goes by and suffocates you when the night comes. Despite all the hurts and all the people who walked away, you have no one to blame but yourself. Shame on you for building up those imaginary skies out of nothingness. 

Appreciating those little things; a beautiful yet dangerous thing to do.

Life is indeed made up of little things but you my dear, need to know which to put in your heart and which to throw away. Do not let their sound of footsteps leave you in the state of dejection. 


Tuesday, 23 October 2012

almost there

Things that used to matter seems so insignificant now. The more I see what is out there, the more I know what I want. I have overcome these insecurities of mine--if not all, then maybe some. Having said that, I know what is best for me and I know what I deserve. Hence, there might be certain things that I will push away or maybe a certain someone. I might seem selfish or taking things for granted but at this point of my life, I know what I deserve. I might not completely know what I truly want, but I know now what I do not want.

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

i shouldn't feel this way but...

I can't lie to myself. I can't deny it anymore. My heart still beast a little faster whenever I see you. I still think you're the most good looking person I have ever seen. And secretly, I still want you. There's not a day that goes by where I want you to say hi. I've just realised tonight, that I've lost your picture. The picture where you and me were standing side by side. The picture where I thought could be the start of something for us. I thought wrong. Maybe the lost of that picture is a wake up call for me. Maybe I have lost you or maybe I never had you in the first place so that picture was not supposed to be mine anyways so there you go; no more you. You were never mine.. But why do I feel like I have lost something important? Why am I wide awake thinking of you when there you are, sound asleep?

Saturday, 29 September 2012

lost glitters

I want to travel the world. Forget all these grieves and hopelessness. Forget all these people who brings me down and people who bring rain instead of sunshine. I want to travel the world and chase the city lights. I want to travel the world and meet beautiful people and create beautiful musics and poetries. I want to travel the world and be free from all these mindless problems. I want to travel the world and forget about you, you, you, and you. I want to travel the world and just be me. I want to travel the world and forget who I am and just be who I am supposed to be. I want to travel the world 'cause I obviously don't belong here anymore.

Friday, 21 September 2012

out of fuck to care

Suddenly all the weigh is on your shoulder. People's feelings are fragile and everyone expect you to take care of them. Forgetting that you too have your own heart to be taken care of. It's wrong to neglect people's feelings but if the feeling is yours, it is fine to do so. People forget their simple responsibility, expecting you to take care of their responsibilities. You try not to complain, you try not to make such a big deal out of it. You try not to mind that you're tired but suddenly, one day, everything will come out to the air and it's not going to be pretty. Funny, I have tried to take care of everyone's heart but still they demand for more and when I try to take care of my own heart, I seem to be the evil one. Either way, I am losing. But hey, guess what? I am swimming against the current now and the one that is on top of my priority list is me, since no one is going to put me in theirs. You act like what I do or feel does not matter, so why should you matter to me?

Sunday, 16 September 2012

i just want to be


I think too much. Assume too much. Delusional most of the time. It's time to stop hoping now that my romantic life will even begin. It just won't. Those romantic movies and fairy tales might happen to everyone else but not this girl right here. I just keep driving people away and I don't know why. I'm starting to be fine with it but that's just it. I am just trying. Doesn't mean I am actually succeeding. To think about it again, I'm not really sad for the fact that I haven't found anyone yet, I am more saddened by the fact that I can't keep anyone in my life. One tiny mistake and they're all gone. Just like that. Gone. Moving on. While here I am, wondering where did I go wrong. 

Thursday, 6 September 2012

a legacy to be left behind

It's easy to be nice to strangers 'cause when you act nice to them, mostly it's because you want to and not because you are obliged to. And when you're nice to a stranger, in their eyes, you will forever be nice. Simply because they don't know you. They don't know your past mistakes, your sins and etc. They just accept your generosity and when you leave, that's all they're going to remember about you. Your niceness. 

Friday, 31 August 2012

suddenly someone is no one

Maybe it's time for us to stop fooling ourselves. Time flies, people change. Maybe it's time for us to stop trying so hard to try and make this work. We're too different now. Our views in life have changed--and that's okay. People grow apart and sometimes it is for the better. So yeah, we should just stop pretending like we care for each other anymore and just let things go. Sometimes when things break, it is better for us to leave it in pieces and create something better.


Saturday, 25 August 2012

keep running


I had that nightmare again. Somehow, it won't stop haunting me. I was there again. Back in high school. And I hated every single minute of it. Well, I wasn't exactly bullied, as a matter of fact, I had a lot of friends. So, the reason? Well for starters, I was never myself in high school. I spent most of my time pretending to be someone that I'm not--trying to fit in. I pretended to like something that I hate. I pretended to do stuffs that I was against with in the first place; just to be accepted. I was too absorbed with the fact that I had to fit in, I started losing myself. I started making up stories, creating up lies in order to make my life seem more interesting just so I won't feel so left out. 

So yeah, I struggled my way through high school. Plus, being the 'black sheep' in your family at the time does not help either. Always in your sister's shadow. Still trying to figure out what you're best at. And sadly, my discovery was not found in high school, which make things a lot tougher. Your parents shunning you away, you don't really know who your friends are and even  worse is when you don't even know who you are. Things got better for me though when I got into college. I am finally doing something that I love. I am not forced to do anything that I do not like. I go to classes because I want to and not because I am obliged to it and if I don't feel like going to class, I can just skip it. Life seems pretty well for a moment. 

I got the chance to start fresh. Be myself (whoever that may be) and just let the rest falls into place. So, the friends that I have right now are somewhat my true friends. True as in the fact that I am true to them, to myself. I did not fake anything about my life. I had my own stand and for once, and it is okay. I was not trying to please anyone. And that feels nice. But, here's the catch. All those time I have been feeling fine, it's because I have been running away. Running away from all the people I knew back in high school. The friends that I thought I knew. Truth to be told, I have never felt comfortable hanging out with them. I feel like I have to try so hard just to make myself feel belonged. 

I ran away from my previous life because that was easy. But it keeps haunting me and I don't know how to escape. I guess I am just waiting for the time where I just have to face it and stop running. You thought high school is over when you get out but the truth is once you get out, that is all you will ever talk about. Whether you love it or you hate it. Everyone have different experiences with high school. Mine sucked. Why? Simply because I was trying so hard to be like everyone else instead of creating my own identity. 

Now, who's to blame but myself? I wish I could say to myself back then "Don't try to grow up too fast and whoever you may be, just stay true to who you are."

Friday, 17 August 2012

suck it up

I'm done trying to figure things out. Some things just happened because it is supposed to happen. Some people walk their life way too easy though some of us might think that they don't deserve it but hey, enough with all the negative crap! I'm just a tiny human being with tiny little plans in this tiny little mind. Who am I to say what is right and what is wrong in His plan? I am just a tiny mortal, after all. 


Wednesday, 8 August 2012

when you try your best but you don't succeed.


Sometimes it gets harder by the minute. The more you try, the harder it gets. When you think you're doing good, life hits you with small pebbles. Nothing big, just the small little ones. When you are having your fun, you never know that someone out there is hurting because of you. People's heart; you can never be too sure of it. Someone could be hurting because of you, because of what you said or what you did. Intentionally or unintentionally. Whether you realised it or you don't. You'll feel guilty, you'll feel sorry but that's all you can do. To be forgiven is totally up to the other person. All you can do is just pray, have faith, and face up. 

Saturday, 4 August 2012

easier said than done


You think no one understands you but little did you know, someone is always there looking out for you. Ready to embrace you if you would just close your eyes and put on some trust. 

Friday, 27 July 2012

taking care of myself

No matter how perfect you are, you can't please everyone. No matter how great your success is, someone is going to find faults in you and make everyone focus on that particular fault. It's true what they say, "people see what they want to see and they hear what they want to hear." You may be great in a million things but then, all that doesn't matter 'cause you have flaws. Seems to me, one hundred flaws always triumph over one million wonderful things you have. And it hurts even more when your friends use your flaws against you. Make fun of you by it. Sure, it might be a joke to them, but after too many times, it starts to hurt you. But whatever, it's not like they care about my feelings.





Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Spoken Truth


"You are not responsible for their guidance, but Allah guides whom He wills. And whatever you spend in (doing) good, it is for your own souls; And spend not but to seek the Pleasure of Allah. And whatever you spend in (doing) good, will be fully credited to you, and you shall not be wronged."

"And whatever you spend in (doing) good, it is for your own souls."

So, it made me ponder. Somehow, this line has struck me inside. All these time I have been mad at the world, the jealous, envy feelings I felt towards people has brought me nothing but sorrow. How could I ever feel this way when He has already said that whatever good I did, it is for my own soul. Not anyone else's but mine; alone. 

Well, doesn't matter what your religion is right now or what your race is or which part of the world you belong to; ponder on this. Free your mind, free your heart. Look at it as a whole. Whatever you do, it is going to give impact on your soul. No one else's but yours. So people, do good :) After all, there is a saying that goes; 

"pretty thoughts make pretty people."

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

in the corners

"I can't say that I have loved myself entirely, but I have accepted the fact that nothing great ever happens to me. It's kinda sad but I am used to it."

If I Just Lay Here

You listen. You care. You say the right things. You do the right things. At exactly the right time. But you mean nothing to him. At the end of the day, he still goes for her and you are left alone. Just standing there hoping that that maybe he'll try to find you again when he's in deep shit. How tragic. 


I'm everything you want, but I mean nothing to you and I don't know why.

The Trees That Decided Not To Die

As I put down my pen, I know someone,
somewhere is picking up theirs. 

I know that someone, somewhere is playing a 
guitar for the first time.


I know that someone, somewhere is dipping a
paintbrush and marking a field of white.


I know that someone, somewhere is singing a 
song that's never been sung.


Perhaps someone, somewhere will create 
something beautiful and moving, it will change
the world.


Perhaps that somewhere is here.
Perhaps that someone, is you.


via--IWroteThisForYou

The Way You Lie Here

Don't you dare tell me nothing matters. Everything matters. Every fucking drop of rain, every ray of sunlight, every wisp of cloud matters and they matter because I can see them and if I can see them then they can see me and I know that there's an entire world that cares out there, hiding behind a world that doesn't, afraid to show who it really is and with or without you, I will drag that world out of the dirt and the blood and the muck until we live in it. Until we all live in it. 


via--IWroteThisForYou

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Being Me





I was at first lonely.
How could I not be?
Just look all around me
Everyone seems to be mingling around
And have no trouble in doing so
While here I am, still standing still
Still learning to say hello
Without stuttering
I used to think that when I have found it
My life would be complete
That I will no longer have any worries
Or at least, I wouldn't feel so pathetic
Or feel sorry for myself
I used to think that if I have love;
I'll have it all.


Now, now I think that maybe I could be wrong
I have come to the ways of loving myself
Every part of me. Every thing that I do in my life
I have come to love my quiet nights
I have come to be okay with being alone
I have come to learn not to expect things
I have come to embrace my loneliness
And use it as best as I possibly could
'Cause I thought maybe I don't need to have love;
In order to have it all.


'Cause when I looked closely at my life
I think I already have it all
Love is all around me
I just need to know what type of love it is
Maybe it's not the kind of love in the movies
But hey, life is not like a movie
Life is not written by Nicholas Sparks
Or directed by any Gary Marshall
Life is written by God
And is directed by us
So, the best I can do is to just wait for the script
And then maybe direct myself along the way
And when God decides that I am ready to handle "Love"
I will naturally direct myself towards it and act upon it
'Till then, I'll just focus solely on the little little things in life
Little things that keep me alive
Little things that made my life big; that makes me--Me.


I guess my eyes are open now
My heart has been set free from the cage that I have unintentionally built
That I've finally see that there's no use in wondering 
"Why am I alone?" "Why am I me?" "When will my time come?"
'Cause oh, let me knock some sense to myself!
I am not alone. Never have been.
I am myself, because there's no one else I'd rather be.
And my time has come. I just need to learn to make the best of it.
I need to remind myself to stop whining and start living.


After all, what is so bad in being alone?
'Cause if you truly know Who to lean on, you'll never feel alone.
And if you have faith, you will not question about the time or the existence of yourself
If you truly trust God, then your soul will never be empty
It will just yearn for His love more and more
Please not the society, but please Him
And if you do that, He will bring pleasant things to you.


"Be careful with what you filled your heart with.
Filled your heart with something that never leaves.
And the One that never leaves is God and God alone." -Yasmin Mogahed.

mad world

It's hard to put down some words even when all you want to do is just write yourself out. Maybe it's because there's nothing in my head. Or maybe it's because the words in my heart is still locked up inside. Or maybe it's because my train of thoughts got lost or it just haven't found the right pit stop yet. 

Sunday, 24 June 2012

my own work of art


I think I have made myself believed that everything is okay. I have found my solitude and something inside of me has accepted the fact that it is what it is. No more lies, no more expectations. Just live my life as it is. No high hopes, just a pocketful of faith and some lovely flower seeds. 

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

either way


I think too much on what people say. Most of the times, it takes only a word to hurt me to the core. I care too much in keeping everyone close. I don't want any of them to leave as I am scared of being alone but still, I was left and I was definitely alone. These are the reasons why I always assumed the bad in everyone. Praise to God, how such an ugly thing to have lingering inside me. So tonight, I vow to myself to keep myself free. Free from envy and free from bad thoughts. One person may not have the most sincere intention, but that shall not make me feel/do the same. One person may leave me hanging, but that shall not make me raise my middle finger to his/her back. But instead, I'll just turn away and walk my path. I will walk my journey with this thought running through my head every time people treat me differently than what I have expected; 

are they even worth thinking about in the beginning? 

If the answer is NO, then I shall raise my smile but if the answer is YES, then I'd probably need some reflection to do. And that's okay. As long as I do not repeat the same mistake. As long as I am willing to learn from my mistakes. 

And this; goes the same to you, my friends. 

Saturday, 16 June 2012

closed


Dear friends, (if I still even deserve to call you(s) that)

I don't know what went wrong. I don't know what I did to make you go away. I don't know. Your unspoken goodbye hurts me so. Am I that unworthy of an explanation or at least---a proper goodbye? 

I know I am not as perfect as you are. I'm not as good as you. Not even close and I will never be. And that's okay. Plant a little seed of doubt in me, I don't mind. 'Cause maybe it is my fault to begin with. Though it hurts me so but I am just going to swallow it. 

You may leave me; I won't beg you to stay.

You may not trust me; I won't expect you to believe me.





For the moment, I'll just keep on doing what I do best; fake a smile and move on. 

Thursday, 14 June 2012

be silent and read

It's funny how you're in your own room but you don't feel at home. You don't feel like you're being yourself. You don't feel belong. Looking at things now, I don't know if I have changed or I have just found a little part of myself. Funny how I thought I had everything figured out. I thought I had everything sorted out. 

The path of my life; I have carefully drew it inside my head. But no, nothing is going along my way. Somehow, the so-called path that I have created was hidden by the mosses that grew at the sides of it. Making it hard for me to see my path. The one that I have carefully created. I'm just glad though, that despite all these confusions, and this lost wandering soul of mine; I still kept one thing close for me. 

Books. And now, that I have placed it beautifully on the rack, I know I could turn to them anytime I want to. Looking at them brings me peace. Among all the mess I have made in this life, at least there's one thing that is organised in my life. Them

Sunday, 3 June 2012

Midnight Light


You see those little distant red lights? I looked out the window one night and I saw those lights. I breathed in the cool night air and I thought to myself "I could just grab my car keys, start the engine, and go there." But I didn't. And I don't know why I didn't. Maybe because the fact that I am scared of feeling more alone. But to look at it in another point of view, I am already alone. So, what do I have got to lose? Ahh, those lights. It makes me wonder. Makes me feel that I shouldn't be here. I should just be there in the midst of midnight lights. 

Friday, 25 May 2012

wholeheartedly

Nobody can play with your heart. It’s yours, you own it, you can do whatever you want with it. That’s the one thing nobody can imprison. They can lock me in a prison, put me in a box, throw me in the ocean but they can’t control my heart. That’s mine. So if you get inside that heart and clean it out and throw away all the trash and the garbage outta there. Throw the lies and misconceptions and prejudice and just give it all up and say, you know what?, I BELONG TO GOD and say “GOD GUIDE ME

Yusuf Estes (via proudmuslimaa)

Saturday, 19 May 2012

mind giving me a hug?



Sometimes when life happens, you often wonder why it happened the way it did. Sometimes, it might tore you down, made you cry yourself to your sleep, maybe even made you lose your faith for a little while. Yeah, people could offer you one or two kind words but none of those words can fix you. I wonder, maybe in times like this, people don't really need comfort or kind words. Maybe all we need when our world is falling apart is a pair of hands to give us a big bear hug. Maybe that way, our pain will lessen. But oh well, this is just my theory. But hey, there's nothing wrong to put that theory to a test now, shall we? :)

you never really can fix me



Fix a Heart by Demi Lovato

It's probably what's best for you
I only want the best for you
And if I'm not the best
Then you're stuck.

I tried to sever ties
And I ended up with wounds to bind
Like you're pouring salt in my cuts

And I just ran out of band aids
I don't even know where to start
'Cause you can bandage the damage
You never really can fix a heart.

Even now I know what's wrong
How could I be so sure
If you never say what you feel.

I must have held your hand so tight
You didn't have the will to fight
I guess you needed more time to heal.

Baby I just ran out of band aids
I don't even know where to start
'Cause you can bandage the damage
You never really can fix a heart.

You must be a miracle worker
Swearing up and down you can fix
What's been broken
Please don't get my hopes up
Baby tell me how could you be so cruel.

It's like you're putting salts in my cuts.


Baby I just ran out of band aids
I don't even know where to start
'Cause you can bandage the damage
You never really can fix a heart.

You never really can fix my heart.


Thursday, 17 May 2012

move forward

How to be Alone by Tanya Davis


If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.

There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in. 

And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging out with your breath seeking peace and salvation. 

Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on your avoid being alone principles. 

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they-- like you -- will be alone. 

Resist the urge to hang out with your cellphone. 

When you are comfortable with eat, lunch, and run, take yourself out to dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were. 

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community. And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor 'till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching.....because they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is best with of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.


Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. 'Cause if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.

And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that communitie's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.

You could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

missing puzzle piece


And so I told them that if you have someone who loves you, you're lucky....

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

among the clouds

I miss the girl who had dreams in her head. I miss the girl who believes she can own the world one day. I miss the girl who writes words after words, without caring what anyone would say or think. I miss the girl who had one goal in her life and is not afraid to pursue it. I miss the girl who had dreams in her head, dreams in her heart. I miss her, I miss me. 



Day by day goes on with me questioning myself: What is my purpose in this life? I lived day by day, going with the flow. But, is this the right flow that I am following? Or am I just following other people's flow? Somewhere in those growing up years, I have lost myself. I have lost my dreams. I am after all, just a normal girl. 

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

listening to the beat


I see you. You see me. I like you. You like me. We live happily ever after. Easy, right?

WRONG!

Sunday, 29 April 2012

i can hardly speak i understand


Feeling lonely and sad. Isn't that all too mainstream? Everyone feels alone. Everyone feels sad. Every girl cries herself to sleep. Everyone hides their pain behind their smiles. Oh now, isn't that all too common nowadays? We are all the same at the end of the day. We all feel the same way. Trying oh so desperately to colour this black and white world. Tell me now, what makes you different from the rest? What makes me different from you or her or him? What makes me--ME?

Monday, 23 April 2012

unmasked


The past is gone. I can't undo my mistakes. My feelings were strong. Please don't expect me to erase it in such a short time. I'm healing, I'm moving on but not completely. I'm not there yet but I am almost there. I may smile, I may laugh but that is all to distract myself from feeling what I had felt before. I cry at night. So please don't make me cry during the day too. When I see him, it still hurts. I'm still hurting. I'm still healing. I don't care if he does not care but YOU--you should care. I know you guys are close but please don't rub it in my face. Because, it hurts. It hurts then and it hurts now. IT HURTS.

a tiring thing to do


Hesitate by Steve Moakler


The human heart is a scary part in fact'Cause I could break you and you could break me backThough my head says just forget itYou'll get hurt and you'll regret itAsk me now and I won't hesitate. 
So many cards that never leave the deck There comes a time when you have to place your betsand I've never been a gambling manBut if you want to see my handAsk me now and I won't hesitate.
'Cause I'm fearful of heights and you take me higherWhat came with you was a view to admireI've always been the kind to contemplateBut you like the kind that don't hesitate.
Excuse me while I fall for you.Excuse me while I fall for you.
I thought about it long and hard todayI realised I'm standing in our wayUsually my judgment's betterBut with your blue eyes, hey whatever.
Ask me now and I won't hesitate.Ask me now and I won't hesitate.
Excuse me while I fall for you.Excuse me while I fall for you.