my own work of art

I think I have made myself believed that everything is okay. I have found my solitude and something inside of me has accepted the fact that it is what it is. No more lies, no more expectations. Just live my life as it is. No high hopes, just a pocketful of faith and some lovely flower seeds. 

either way

I think too much on what people say. Most of the times, it takes only a word to hurt me to the core. I care too much in keeping everyone close. I don't want any of them to leave as I am scared of being alone but still, I was left and I was definitely alone. These are the reasons why I always assumed the bad in everyone. Praise to God, how such an ugly thing to have lingering inside me. So tonight, I vow to myself to keep myself free. Free from envy and free from bad thoughts. One person may not have the most sincere intention, but that shall not make me feel/do the same. One person may leave me hanging, but that shall not make me raise my middle finger to his/her back. But instead, I'll just turn away and walk my path. I will walk my journey with this thought running through my head every time people treat me differently than what I have expected; 

are they even worth thinking about in the beginning? 

If the answer is NO, then I shall raise my smile but if the answer is YES, then I'd probably need some reflection to do. And that's okay. As long as I do not repeat the same mistake. As long as I am willing to learn from my mistakes. 

And this; goes the same to you, my friends. 

closed

Dear friends, (if I still even deserve to call you(s) that)

I don't know what went wrong. I don't know what I did to make you go away. I don't know. Your unspoken goodbye hurts me so. Am I that unworthy of an explanation or at least---a proper goodbye? 

I know I am not as perfect as you are. I'm not as good as you. Not even close and I will never be. And that's okay. Plant a little seed of doubt in me, I don't mind. 'Cause maybe it is my fault to begin with. Though it hurts me so but I am just going to swallow it. 

You may leave me; I won't beg you to stay.

You may not trust me; I won't expect you to believe me.

For the moment, I'll just keep on doing what I do best; fake a smile and move on. 

be silent and read

It's funny how you're in your own room but you don't feel at home. You don't feel like you're being yourself. You don't feel belong. Looking at things now, I don't know if I have changed or I have just found a little part of myself. Funny how I thought I had everything figured out. I thought I had everything sorted out. 

The path of my life; I have carefully drew it inside my head. But no, nothing is going along my way. Somehow, the so-called path that I have created was hidden by the mosses that grew at the sides of it. Making it hard for me to see my path. The one that I have carefully created. I'm just glad though, that despite all these confusions, and this lost wandering soul of mine; I still kept one thing close for me. 

Books. And now, that I have placed it beautifully on the rack, I know I could turn to them anytime I want to. Looking at them brings me peace. Among all the mess I have made in this life, at least there's one thing that is organised in my life. Them. 

Midnight Light

You see those little distant red lights? I looked out the window one night and I saw those lights. I breathed in the cool night air and I thought to myself "I could just grab my car keys, start the engine, and go there." But I didn't. And I don't know why I didn't. Maybe because the fact that I am scared of feeling more alone. But to look at it in another point of view, I am already alone. So, what do I have got to lose? Ahh, those lights. It makes me wonder. Makes me feel that I shouldn't be here. I should just be there in the midst of midnight lights.