sing it for my broken heart

Home of the Blues by Johnny Cash

Just around the corner there's heartache

Down the street that losers use

If you can wade in through the teardrops

You'll find me at the home of the blues

I walk and cry while my heart beat

Keeps time with the drag of my shoes

The sun don't shine through this window of mine

'Cause it's dark at the home of the blues.

Oh, but the place is filled with the sweetest memories

Memories so sweet that I cry

And dreams that I've had left me feeling so bad

I just wanna give up and die.

So if you just lost your sweetheart

And it seems that there's no good way to choose

Well come alone with me, misery loves company

And you're welcome at the homes of the blues

'Cause just around the corner there's heartache

Down the street that losers use

If you can wade in through the teardrops

You'll find me at the home of the blues.

it shoudn't hurt this bad.

When the sun came up today, you thought you could start over. Turn a new leaf. Maybe try to forget about the feelings that once hurt you so bad. The one that leaves you a scar. A scar who God knows how long will take to recover. You smile, you laugh, and you kept silence. Refused to talk about the feelings you buried. You don't even dare to say his name. Because you know, that one name can brings back a lot of your past pains and tears. You try so hard to forget, to move on with your life but all you ended up doing is just fooling yourself. Then, you go back to bed, feeling more vulnerable than before. You realised, you still love him and though he broke your heart, you would still take him back in a heartbeat. 

and maybe someone by my side

I want THIS. 

you broke my heart

A Certain Lady by Dorothy Parker

Oh, I can smile for you, and tilt my head,

And drink your rushing words with eager lips,

And paint my mouth for you a fragrant red,

And trace your brows with tutored finger-tips.

When you rehearse your list of loves to me,

Oh, I can laugh and marvel, rapturous-eyed,

And you laugh back, nor can you ever see

The thousand little deaths my heart has died.

And you believe, so well I know my part,

That I am gay as morning, light as snow,

And all the straining things within my heart,

You'll never know.

Oh, I can laugh and listen, when we meet,

And you bring tales of fresh adventurings, --

Of ladies delicately indiscreet,

Of lingering hands, and gently whispered things.

And you are pleased with me, and strive anew,

To sing me sagas of your late delights.

Thus do you want me--marveling, gay, and true,

Nor do you see my staring eyes of nights,

And when, in search of novelty, you stray,

Oh, I can kiss you blithely as you go...

And what goes on, my love, while you're away,

You'll never know.

for me alone

My Escape shall look like this. 

what i have become

“From that time on, the world was hers for the reading. She would never be lonely again, never miss the lack of intimate friends. Books became her friends and there was one for every mood. There was poetry for quiet companionship. There was adventure when she tired of quiet hours. There would be love stories when she came into adolescence and when she wanted to feel a closeness to someone she could read a biography. On that day when she first knew she could read, she made a vow to read one book a day as long as she lived.” ― Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Photo by Dimitri Caceaune)

what made me

I get sad--a lot. Normally it happens when I am left alone or I am feeling lonely despite not being alone. Occasionally though, it happens because of nothing. Yep, that's right. Nothing at all, no reason and I just happen to feel sad. I hate to admit this, but a part of me is kinda used to it. These feelings of sadness & loneliness have been a part of me lately. I must say, it's easier to be sad. 'Cause when you're sad, all you need to do is cry and somehow, you'll feel better. But when you're lonely, that's when the trouble comes. You long for someone to hold you but everyone seems busy with their lives. Or you just don't feel like talking to any of them as they does not have your full trust yet. Then, the problem probably lies in you. After you've discovered that, what will you do? You are your own worst enemy, how do you fight yourself? Easy. You either let it eat you up inside or you embrace it. As people have always said, "keep your friends close, and keep your enemies closer." Even if your enemy is you. Then maybe, just maybe, when you're closed with yourself, you'll tend to love yourself. In time, you'll believe that it's okay to be alone, it's okay to have flaws. In the ends, your flaws are the things that made you--YOU. And you just gotta love 'em. 

everything i needed to say

Love & Loss by The Honey Trees

Her heart lies awake at night

Calling the sun to warm the skies

Her ivory hands hold so tightly 

To the hope of morning

And in this house

I hear a voice

The paintings of all

They tell the tales of

The faces that lie beyond these halls

And carry the weight of love & loss

Facing time on her own

She mourns the day her love let go

But in her burdened heart she knows

Peace will come

With morning

Her memories hang like ghosts

Up on the walls the windows pass those

The faces that lie beyond these walls

And carry the weight of love & loss.

doubting but still hoping

She stops hoping. She stops expecting. Funny, how once she used to be the girl who believes in everything especially Love does not believe in anything at all. One broken heartache later, she gives up on it. She shuts herself in. Shuts everyone out. In her years of living, nothing has happen. Never felt loved even once in her life, she begins to doubt that feeling will ever exist in her life. So she turns to her books, musics, paintings, and writings. What she couldn't get in her real life, she could get in her Passions. She never got the chance of feeling Love first hand, so maybe reading about it could give her somewhat a hint of that feeling. Always lost in beautiful words, she relies on her books so much, she almost forget there ever was a real Love to begin with. She has lost all her hope of Love in life, and she stops expecting for it too but she never lose her hopes in her books. If that's the closest thing to Love she could get, she'll remember it all. Despite her lost of hope and her non-expectations, that tiny fraction of light in her heart still wishes for that one true Love. That one true excitement.  Hmm, silly isn't it?

just me, myself & i

You want this. You want that. You wish you could be this or that. You dream of this. You dream of that. All is done in nothing but a dream. You live inside your own world. Your own mind. Afraid to step out to the real world and do things you only dare to imagine and dream. You crave for bliss but you've done nothing to achieve it. Sometimes you are too afraid of being alone, you tend to forget about your own wants and needs and later on your happiness will depend on others and not upon you. I've realised today how I've been living under other people's shadow. I let myself be the shadow when I had the chance to actually shine. Just need a little bit of bravery and faith. I've waited for people to start their routine so I could tag along and not be alone but in the end, I ended up being miserable after all. Instead of creating my own routine and path, I waited for other people's path to join in. Silly, isn't it? Well, that's changing now. Maybe I am better off alone and I need to be okay with that. I need to love myself first. I need this solitude. After all, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone. 

breathing someone else's air

Things have changed here. I used to love this place. New yet familiar faces are starting to come in. Truth to be told, I don't want them here. I don't like being around them. I'm just not comfortable. It was nice back then as I knew no one. Only a few. It was nice to have only strangers in my life. No strings, no past, just today and just present. I knew that things are going to change during the break. I can somehow sensed it. Now, I am back to where my past lies. Everywhere I go, everyone I meet will remind me of my past. Of my past feelings. Of things that I don't want to feel again. Now, all this place brings me is the reminder of a little girl overshadowed by her best friend. A reminder of how alone I am. Always in love but never be loved in return. 

another one of her dreams

I wonder what it's like to actually be alone and be okay with it. I wonder what it's like to just go out alone and enjoy my own company. Maybe go to a coffee shop and enjoy my own sweet time by reading some books and sipping coffee or tea; whichever I prefer. No one to tell me what to get, nor anyone to tell me where to sit. I wonder what it's like to live alone one day. Maybe one day, when I can afford myself to buy my own apartment I would be able to do whatever I want. Maybe just do some baking without having anyone to interrupt me. Then maybe put on some soothing music which no one really listens to. Light up some candles just because I like the presence of it. Oh, here I am wondering again what it's like to be left alone and just enjoy the company of myself. Here I am dreaming maybe someday, I can lead my life the way I really want to-a sophisticated lifestyle..... 

Until someone worthy comes along and make fun of my "sophisticated lifestyle"; all of it-from the constant baking, the soothing music, and the burning candles. And I for once, wouldn't mind it. Silly, isn't it? I know.

midnight fear

I'm not comfortable with the people around me. Well, not all of them. But, most of them. I was happy to isolate myself from them for a while. Doing or writing things I want to, without the pressure of thinking on what they're going to think about me. Some words they say too can bring me to the level of annoyance. I've lost that serene feeling of being lost with no intention of being found. I've lost that calmness. I've lost my Escape.

all these we did for nothing

Cosmetics do no good by Steve Kowit  (after Vidyapatti)

Cosmetics do no good:

no shadows, rouge, mascara, lipstick--

nothings helps.

However artfully I comb my hair,

embellishing my throat & wrists with jewels,

it is no use--there is no

semblance of the beautiful young girl

I was

&long for still.

My loveliness is past.

& no one could be more aware than I am

that coquettishness at this age

only renders me ridiculous.

I know it. Nonetheless, 

I primp myself before the glass

like an infatuated schoolgirl

fussing over ever detail,

practicing whatever subtlety

may please him.

I cannot help myself.

The God of Passion has his will of me 

& I am tossed about

between humiliation & desire,

rectitude & lust,

disintegration & renewal,

ruin & salvation.

time to isolate myself

Circling around the crowds. Trying your best to fit in. The more the merrier they say, the more the bullshit-er I say. People's feelings were all piled up, or some of it may be closed up somewhere inside a bottle. We put priorities to the person we knew first and not the person we took the time of knowing. We were too hasty to find that perfect love when we were all still confused on what is love itself. All these brought us to nothing but sorrow hearts and broken friendship.  All of us tend to get hurt, we tend to resent, and the big scene of ugly fights and silent war occur. Or in shorter word, I, we, call it drama. As tasteless as its taste sips in our tongues, we still longed for it. As poisonous fragrant it brings out, we still took liberty of sniffing it. As contagious of a disease it is, we still expose ourselves to it. We, humans never learn. We are all drawn to the darkness. Maybe because we tend to like the mystery of it or maybe because there are more devils than angels inside of us.