last straw

I feel like I've been settling for less than what I deserve. Starting from work to friends to my "loved one." I feel like I have decreased my worth for everything. I took jobs which do not pay accordingly. I lowered myself for my friends simply because I do not want them to run away. I even constantly tell myself that it's okay for N to make not meet my expectations simply because I am afraid that no one can lover me better. Yeah, most of this is my fault probably. I'm the one who set myself to be looked upon this way. I guess this is on me. It's just that lately my self-esteem has dropped so low and I am sorry but the people around me are not such great helps either. Nothing ever seems to go my way no matter how hard I work or how patient I am. People often mistook my kindness and silence with something else and as a result, I just get trampled all over. They took advantage of me. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. She won't get mad or anything. She just won't. Well, guess what? I am sick and tired of everything. I am just fed up with everyone! 

Run the Extra Mile

Too many things to learn, too many things to do, so many goals remain locked. I have always thought that I am not living my life to the fullest nor putting all the potentials I may or may not possess to good use. I am always scared. I was not fine by it but I was never irritated by it. Until one moment, I've realised that it is irritating to see people who does more talking than acting. A cliché saying kept appearing in my head, "You attract what you are." Thus it made me wonder if that was the reason why I am always surrounded by a bunch of talkers instead of doers. If that is the case,  I need to change myself because I do not want to be fine with this state of mind. I do not want to accustomed myself to this lifestyle. I do not want to be the annoying person who always talk but has never done anything remarkable or worth remembering. I do not want to settle. I crave for more and I know  for a fact that I have not done justice to myself.

 

This is What it Feels Like

There are times when all words seem to sound so wrong, all actions seem to be meaningless and no one can seem to fix anything. My boyfriend and I once got into a big fight and he told me that he did not see it coming because these things only happened in movies and my reply? "You better prepare yourself honey. My life will always be like a movie." For once, I wish I was wrong. Those words came to eat me just few days later. It was only a few days later when those words came back for me with the news that our precious Mother was diagnosed with cancer. Lung cancer.

For the first few days of finding out, it was hell for us. A single touch can break us down, a single word can shatter us and the word cancer suddenly became a taboo word for us. Not one of us can say the word. As if by not saying the word can help us forget its existence. We cried for most of our nights and days. The questions "Are you okay?" and "How are you holding up?" were the stupidest and were considered the most ignorant questions ever existed.

"No, I'm not fine."

"Oh, I don't know. How am I supposed to be holding up? Please do tell me."

It was definitely a fragile time for all of us. I personally started to wonder if I could even try to replace my Mother's love for all us. For some time, I started trying to remember the ways Mother took care of us. The way she cooked, the way she bought the groceries, what she did and what she didn't. Everything. Only the thought of it overwhelmed me so much, I gave up on trying to remember and went to sleep instead. It was such a fragile time and I personally wondered if I was even strong enough for this. For the first time, I was genuinely scared. Scared for not being strong enough.

Then, there were those tasks of breaking the news to the rest. Told all those closed ones and some of them were sympathetic and kind. The good ones usually went quiet and let me do the talking and honestly, that is by far the kindest thing you can do to someone who is grieving. Just listen. To the other some however,  they succeeded in making me feel even worse than I already am. From the way they kept interrupting me with their life stories (suddenly it's about them) and to the 'good intention but bad advices.'

 

They told me that I am not allowed be angry. They told me that I needed to be positive. They told me to be understanding to other people. They told me to stop living my life and worse of all, they told me to BE STRONG.

 

I was told to stay calm because apparently life is fair (unless it happened to yourself of course, only then life becomes unfair). I was told to stay positive and forgive other people's mistakes simply for the lame reason like they do not know the right thing to say or do. I was told to take a semester leave, reduce the events in my social calendar, postpone my studies and etc. Basically, just STOP living my life. Then, I was told to be strong. Be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong.

 

May I ask you oh, dear wise people? What is the real meaning of that beautiful phrase you keep chanting to me? Have you done it before? When you said be strong, do you really know what you are saying or are you just saying it? By standing here right now, am I not being strong? Is this really not strong enough for you?

Definitely, maybe. Maybe, definitely.

I thought that when I have fallen in love, everything would be clear. I thought I would finally be able to say "ahh, so this is what it feels like." Now that I am in a relationship, I am not so sure anymore. The descriptions I get from all those romantic comedies' movies; the tingling feeling, the racing heartbeat, and all those other whimsical stuffs. Why do I not feel that way?

 

All I know is that I become restless when he texts me later than the usual. How mad I become when he does not text me at all and the fact that I can miss him so much to the point that it gets annoying. Not to mention, that the way he made me feel is just frustrating. Before, I didn't know that you can be happy and sad at the same time until I met him. There are times where I just want to cry my heart out but at the same time smile, and look at him straight in his eyes and whispers "I love you, I love you, I love you." I want to whisper because for once, I want to be selfish and keep him all to myself. The words I say to him, I don't want anyone else to know and the words he says to me, I want them to be for my ears and my ears only. The thought of him making another girl smile makes me cranky and I don't know what it is but I can feel my blood rush over to my head, making my face blushed with redness. I can feel the warmth of my blood and  I can feel the tears pooling up in my eyes. Some of you may call it jealousy and maybe it is but I don't know. I'm not sure. Because with him, I am never sure. I don't know about our future; what could happen and what could not happen. I don't know. All I know is that for once, I am afraid. Afraid that I will become so fragile to the point of even the slightest brush on my skin will break me--if I lose him.

 

I'm no expert. So, tell me... Is this love?

 

 

 

“When someone makes you the happiest person and the saddest person at the same time, that’s when it’s real. That’s when it’s worth something.”

 

fear

So I thought I wouldn't shed any tears anymore when you've found me. Didn't know that I would still have the occasional cry, alone in my bed but those tears will not be the same tears as before, that's for sure. For these tears now would be the tears of fear. Fear of the unknown future. Fear of the unlucky possibilities. Fear of the thought that things will change. Fear of the thought of this might not work out. Fear of losing you. Never in a million years,  I would have thought that I would be crying due to the ache of missing someone. So much.

just a little

it's annoying how people think you're fine
but they know you actually are not
yet, they still put you to the test
just to find out if their guess is right

they bring out old memories
they started to chant that old name--
the one you thought you were immune to
just to see if you would break, perhaps just a little

and it gets even more annoying
when the people who does that are your friends
the ones who were supposed to be more tender
the ones who were supposed to know that no matter what

no matter what....
your past is still capable of breaking you a little.

still

you've made me lose some parts of me
the sad and broken parts of me
you've opened up my eyes
you've opened up my heart

you've made me see the little things in life
with you, my nights are not so bad anymore
you've made me lose some parts of me
and i guess it is not such a bad thing

but at the same beat
you've made me lose my artistic part
the part which made me whole in the first place
the part which made me feel what everyone else couldn't

so, what am i now, with your presence?
have i become more whole--
or have i become more in pieces?