keep running

I had that nightmare again. Somehow, it won't stop haunting me. I was there again. Back in high school. And I hated every single minute of it. Well, I wasn't exactly bullied, as a matter of fact, I had a lot of friends. So, the reason? Well for starters, I was never myself in high school. I spent most of my time pretending to be someone that I'm not--trying to fit in. I pretended to like something that I hate. I pretended to do stuffs that I was against with in the first place; just to be accepted. I was too absorbed with the fact that I had to fit in, I started losing myself. I started making up stories, creating up lies in order to make my life seem more interesting just so I won't feel so left out. 

So yeah, I struggled my way through high school. Plus, being the 'black sheep' in your family at the time does not help either. Always in your sister's shadow. Still trying to figure out what you're best at. And sadly, my discovery was not found in high school, which make things a lot tougher. Your parents shunning you away, you don't really know who your friends are and even  worse is when you don't even know who you are. Things got better for me though when I got into college. I am finally doing something that I love. I am not forced to do anything that I do not like. I go to classes because I want to and not because I am obliged to it and if I don't feel like going to class, I can just skip it. Life seems pretty well for a moment. 

I got the chance to start fresh. Be myself (whoever that may be) and just let the rest falls into place. So, the friends that I have right now are somewhat my true friends. True as in the fact that I am true to them, to myself. I did not fake anything about my life. I had my own stand and for once, and it is okay. I was not trying to please anyone. And that feels nice. But, here's the catch. All those time I have been feeling fine, it's because I have been running away. Running away from all the people I knew back in high school. The friends that I thought I knew. Truth to be told, I have never felt comfortable hanging out with them. I feel like I have to try so hard just to make myself feel belonged. 

I ran away from my previous life because that was easy. But it keeps haunting me and I don't know how to escape. I guess I am just waiting for the time where I just have to face it and stop running. You thought high school is over when you get out but the truth is once you get out, that is all you will ever talk about. Whether you love it or you hate it. Everyone have different experiences with high school. Mine sucked. Why? Simply because I was trying so hard to be like everyone else instead of creating my own identity. 

Now, who's to blame but myself? I wish I could say to myself back then "Don't try to grow up too fast and whoever you may be, just stay true to who you are."