silence

Sometimes you feel so low you just don't want to wake up. Sometimes you feel so tired you just want to shut your eyes and forget about everything. Sometimes you feel so gloomy, you just want to hide under your blankets just so you won't spread your gloominess to other people. Sometimes you just feel like you have too much of these negative vibes though you just want to be happy but you can't. You can't help yourself from having all these negative vibes. You hate yourself for it and you know those vibes you're showing off made people hate you; if not a lot, just a little. You thought by opening up to someone might make you feel better but the frown on your forehead remains frowning and the mess inside your head remains untangled. At this point of your life, you think that nothing is ever going to make you feel better. Nothing is going to change anything. Hopes, dreams and everything in between seem so little, so insignificant. You want to scream and shout and let it all out in the hopes that it will make you feel better but no. The more you talk about what's bothering you, the more you are reminded of it. The more you hear the words coming out from your mouth, the stronger it is embroidered in your mind, in your heart. No, no. In this case talking about it does not bring any good. In this case, let's just keep silent. Let silence fill the air and cleanse our heart and mind away from all the troubles that have been bothering us. Let silence drives away the people who want and should be driven away from our lives. Let silence do its magic. Stay still and let silence take control.

pent up

It's 2am. You needed someone to talk to but you don't know who to call. You don't know who'd care. You don't know whom you can trust. Should trust. You don't know, you don't know. Everything seems so blurry. Your mind is messed up, you can't think straight. Your heart is all mixed up, you don't know what to feel. All you want to do is curl your body, wrap yourself in a blanket, and just cry. When all tears are gone, again you'll feel like talking to someone. So you finally reach out and call that someone.

 

"Tomorrow."

"We'll see each other later."

Fine, fine. That's fine.

But let me ask you some things...

What if tomorrow never comes?

What if I say tomorrow is too late?

What if later is not what I want?

What if what I need is here and now instead of later?

My heart is not something that you can put on hold.

My heart beats.

It feels.

It screams.

It gets tired.

So I ask you again, what if tomorrow never comes?

What if I say tomorrow is too late?

What if later is not what I want?

What if what I need is here and now instead of later?

What if? What if?

Well, the point is...

I needed you but you weren't there.

I'm tired of reaching out.

I'm tired of screaming.

I am just tired.

Just tired.

 

 

"Don't promise me your tomorrows, it might not come. Save your laters for someone else because I do not want it."

I don't know

I don't know. Tell me something. Is it hard to see? Is it really hard to open your eyes and see? See that someone out there is crying? See that someone out there needs your help--desperately?

 

I don't know. Tell me something. Is it hard to accept? Is it really hard to open your heart and accept? Accept that someone out there may or may not like you? Accept that someone out there does not agree with you? Accept that actually, actually, the person to be blamed is you?

 

I don't know. Tell me something. Is it hard to listen? Is it really hard to lend your time and just listen? Listen to the loud, noisy screams. Listen to the quiet breeze brushing against your cheek. Listen to the silent scream of your heart.

 

I don't know. Tell me something. Is it really hard to see, to accept and to listen? Is it really hard to see the hidden tears? Is it really hard to accept the truth? Is it really hard to listen to the silent noise? Is it?

 

Well, let me tell you something...

 

No, it is not hard at all; if we just paid a little attention. Just a little.

 

But yeah, I don't know.

 

 

words, words, words

The lies will hurt yet the truth is not that comforting either. I thought I know a person only to find out that I actually know nothing--oh, what a fool you've made me. Words, words, words. How carelessly you spit them around. Speak of glories and flowers in my sight yet once I am out of sight, those glories turn into inconceivable lies and those flowers withered away; withered to nothing but dusts.

 

Words, words, words. How easily it was for you to spray it into lies; using it to put sweet scent on yourself.

 

Words, words, words. How easy it was for you to manipulate them; covering yourself with people's pity.

 

Words, words, words. How easy it was for you to use it against me; stringing me like one of your puppets.

 

Words, words, words. How easy it was for you to make up stories; moulding things to the exact shape you want it to be.

 

Words, words, words. How easy it was to make me see who you really are;

 

A liar.

upon silent, green tea and time.

My days are usually filled with classes, being invisible and quick lunches. You'll hardly notice me at the lunch table--not really the kind that laughs loudly or the kind who has an opinion in everything. I guess I prefer to stay silent instead of voicing out. Could be unhealthy, I know. My nights are usually filled with early dinners, late showers and hot green tea. Half the night will be filled with the usual daydreaming and a quick sneaky reading session while the other half of night will be filled with my pretentious acts of being busy. So you see, nothing exciting hardly happens to me. How could there be? I guess that's the perks of being a quiet human being living in this loud, noisy world.

 

So forgive me if I am not interesting enough for you. Forgive me for not being able to hold a conversation as long as you wanted to. How ironic it is to be someone who has a dishevelled mind but when in public; I am at loss of words. Yeah, I'm confusing that way. After all, I do write better than I speak. So forgive me if you're bored with the way I am. You can leave, it's okay. Trust me, whatever you do won't be taken to this heart. Won't be. Won't be. I am the way I am and I am tired of trying to change the way I am for the sake of trying to be what everyone wants me to be. It gets tiring trying to please everyone as while doing so, I just withered away. It's not nice you see, to be trying so hard to please everyone but at the end of the day, I am still forgotten.

 

Despite being who I am, despite having the kind of life where nothing exciting happens; I still don't want to be anybody else. Because I know that my quietness often saves me from merciless regrets. I know that the lack of social skills I possess often save me from unwanted attentions. I know that the invisible days and the quiet nights I share with myself gives me more room to explore this amazing world according to my own beat and no one else's. And most of all, despite it all; I know that there is more to me than meets the eye. I may not be a social butterfly and I may be a conversation killer but believe me, it is unintentional. Perhaps, I just need more time to get myself on the same page with everyone else compared to some people. Who knows, maybe when I am comfortable enough with you, you would think I am interesting after all. Maybe, maybe. Who knows?

 

Next time you see me sitting by myself, please come over. Talk to me, spend a little time and maybe you would not think so bad about me and maybe if you're lucky enough, you'll find the side of me that no one else has found yet; not even myself. Perhaps maybe after all those times we took in regards of knowing each other, we can be friends--or maybe even more than that.

It's okay

There's something very twisted in being the nice girl. She gives her best but still it is never enough. She gives all her love to someone only to realise, her love was a one way ticket. 

 

She puts one person on top of her list but when she looked at that person's list--her name was not even there. She squinted her eyes, she tilted her head but no. Her name is not there.

 

She's there when everyone's weeping. She's there when everyone's screaming. She watched the world around her became vulnerable but she held strong. She can't break down. These people need her. These people need her. 

 

But when all is well again, she is forgotten. Everyone disappears along with her spirit. 

 

Step on her head, break her heart, leave her be, forget about her, it's okay! "She's alright," they say.

 

She's the nice girl you see, so it's okay.

third lucky strike

I collect things; in hope that the memory which came along with it stays with me. My first movie ticket with him, whatever pictures I took, a letter from my young, pure six year old student--I kept it all. I hold everything so dearly in my heart, put it in a box, seal it up, keep it safe. But when the time comes, oh but when the time comes--when I need to clean my box of memory, I'll throw the treasure I used to keep. If the things I keep brings me pain, I'd gather my guts and throw them away. My first movie ticket with him was the first to go. It was hard at first but as time goes by, the pain depreciate and throwing things which does not make me happy anymore gets easier. Giving respect to myself is the least I can do to. So don't be surprised when I throw you out as well. Suppressing everything you did to me before does not mean I'm okay with everything. I'm not that naïve. Just like the precious belongings I've kept in my pretty memory box, I too would have no problem in throwing you away. If you think I have pulled myself away, bear in mind that you have hit my third lucky strike. Don't even bother trying to impress me anymore. Oh and honey, please don't resemble my forgiving with forgetting. No, don't be mistaken. I'm not holding any grudge. I'm just protecting myself and I'm sorry but I'm not a very good pretender. Pretending that everything is alright when it is not is not something that I am good at.

 

crumpled

Seasons change. Flowers wither. Our mind changes, our heart changes. Nothing ever stays the same. It hurts sometime; yes I am not going to lie. The person you think you once knew might just surprise you the very next day and in a blink of an eye, all that you’ve left with is a stranger. Expect too much, you’ll get hurt. Expect too little, you’ll feel burdened. There’s no way in going right about this. Everything seems wrong and the tears you drop do not mean anything anymore. Nobody cares. So you just cry yourself to sleep and hope that your heart will mend by itself; all fixed and fluttery by the next morning.

flowers

If there is one thing I learn through my one week holiday with my family is the fact that you can never depend on anyone. Not even the ones you think you can depend on. Especially them. At one point, you have to understand, people have their own lives to lead, their own thoughts to meddle with, their own make up to do. In the end, all people can think about are themselves. And it's funny how sometimes the person you think you're closest to ends up bringing  you down. So yeah, if there is one thing I learn through my one week holiday , my life--it is the fact that you can never depend on anyone.

 

 

middle sister

At first glance, you'd see she has it all. Comfortable life, loving family. But what if you look again? Would you see differently? Would you see that the comfortable life she has is not the comfort she wants? Or would you see that her loving family is loving--just not to her? Would you see that no matter how hard she tries to cover up her past mistakes, it would never be enough? Her pasts, her mistakes--could never be forgiven. Fake smiles and pretentious laughter; all of them were made to cover up their burning anger from years ago right from years ago when she was just a little girl. And no matter how many times she tries to be good, all they'll remember is that one time she blew up. All those times of giving meant nothing. At the end of the day, all they'll remember her is as the one who has short temper. Build your good deeds, little girl but trust me, it'll never cover up your flaws. You can keep on begging, keep on pleading but you'll never get it. Unlike the youngest, a little cry or even a little whisper will be heard. One wimp, one cry, you can have anything you ask for. Be it gold or be it copper. Or even unlike the eldest, no matter what she did or didn't do; their prayers will always be with her. Their blessings will always be with her. Their best will always be given to her: no questions asked. Now these...these are my dears, the perks of being the middle sister. Forgotten for being good, remembered for being troubled.

 

 

 

 

locked up

There's something fearful about people reading my thoughts. So, I tend to hide myself and try not to reveal myself too much. All my words are kept hidden in my mind or maybe after some time later, those words will be spilled out here--if they're lucky enough to escape. I don't know why but it's scary to me to let people know how I feel. Probably I am scared of what they're going to think. Yeah, I guess I am a coward. Simply because I don't want their perceptions of me to be tainted by their blind assumptions. It's a horrible way to live actually. Constantly worrying what other people think, trying your best every single time to please everyone yet at the end of the day, you still feel like crap anyways. As much as I have point it out to myself here, as much as I know I should try to love myself and all those craps; I am still the way I am. Standing still: Timid, insecure, afraid. Always afraid to say my feelings out in the open because I have so much of them and no one will be able to swallow or even stand to understand me. Always afraid to speak out my opinions or even to say my choices because somehow, someway, someone will always stick their tongue out and criticise me, my thoughts, my choices. So I wonder, what's the point of telling anymore? Which is why I am always silent. I just keep it all to myself. A sickly way to live but it's the only way I know how.

we are never the same and that's okay

 

 

No one in this same world is the same; even twins. Similar, of course but not the same. We like different colours, we have different tastes in  music and truth to be told, the world would be a boring place if we all like the same thing, no? Our eyes are different. Our perceptions are what distinguish us from others. We could all be looking at the same horizon but none of us will perceive the same thing. Differences, differences, differences.

 

So, what do we do with these differences we hold? One word. RESPECT. You might share a different opinion with your friend in guys; which is cuter and etc. But what do you do? Do you insult or make fun of your friend's taste? What someone perceive as something beautiful might be different from you so hold your tongue. Do not make fun of them, do not insult them for having their own thoughts and opinion. Beauty is in fact in the eyes of the beholder. RESPECT. As much as you disagree with them, RESPECT their decision.

 

Different people have different eyes; different way of looking at things. Different people lead different lives. Just because you've made a choice on something doesn't mean it is the right choice. Right choice for you maybe, but not for other people. Let them make their own choice. If it is a mistake, it is their mistake. All you need to do is just RESPECT their choices, their likings and be there for them when they need you; when and IF they need you. All you have to do is RESPECT. That's the least you can do.

 

Especially if you are someone's friend--my friend, you'd respect my likings and my choices. You would RESPECT me.

 

 

 

-f.r

Self reliance

Everybody hurts. Everybody hurts you. It is very rare for someone to take their time of the day just to appreciate the little things you do. Comes a moment when you'll feel like the world is against you. Ever so often you let one tiny spark of problem cloud your shiny day. There'll be days like that and you'll have no choice but to face it. So when that day comes and you feel like you cannot breathe, remember this. Stop. Literally, stop walking, stop running or rushing to the deadline that you've already missed. Just stop. Compose yourself. Take a deep breath. Look up at the sky. Look at the clouds and let your creative mind wanders and wonders on the shape engraved in the sky. Stop thinking for a moment and be grateful. Be grateful to God for letting you be here. Just be grateful even when you feel like you have loss everything. Just be.

 

Forgive the people who have hurt you. Expect less. Do things your own because no one can do it better than you and you know it. No one will have the time to appreciate your little efforts so appreciate yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle. Give yourself some credit. Pat yourself on the back when you've accomplished something. Heck, pat yourself on the back just for getting through the day. You out of all people should know how hard it is to get up and face the crowd you no longer want to see. So do it. Pat yourself on the back and appreciate who you are. Everything lies in you.

 

No one can be kinder than you are to yourself and no one can be harsher than you are to yourself. Choose to be kind anyways. Kind to yourself and kind to other people. Love yourself even when you feel you don't deserve to be loved--especially when you feel like you don't deserve to be loved. Choose you above everybody else. Be you.

 

"Trust thyself; every heart vibrates to that iron string"--Ralph Waldo Emersen

troubles undone

Sometimes you just have to take a step back and breathe in. Look around you, see where you're standing. Observe the people around you, ponder on the people you've chosen to be in your life. Is this where you want to be? Is this who you want to be? If the answer is no, then deep down, you know what to do. It's time to throw out your old priority list and write a new one. Do not be afraid. You've already lost so much you got nothing more to lose. Do not be afraid. It doesn't matter who changed or who stayed the same. It's about you moving a step forward from your old life. Do not hold back for the people whom you thought are your friends. Just move forward. With or without them. There will come a time when you'll have to take a step back and begin again.

maze and mess

So many things for me to say, to write but I just can't fathom the words, can't seem to find the perfect way for me to say--or write it. I spent half of my time procrastinating and the other half regretting the fact that I procrastinated. Then, I'll get frustrated with myself and I just lie down and make excuses for myself...and the cycle goes on. I see everyone moving forward with their lives and here I am, being upset about it. But at the end of the day, I have no one else to blame but myself and that's the worse thing I can ever feel about myself. This is all a mess.

 

here we go again

Stop dreaming on mindless things. Start living. Stop falling in love. Start chasing your dreams. Stop expecting things. Stop being a fool. Stop. Just stop.

mona lisa

You call them sweetheart, you try to be generous, you spent most of your time with them, you act all kind and caring thinking that somehow you've showed that person that you sincerely care for them. Well, guess what honey? Sincerity is something abstract but like some famous abstract paintings in the world, we can somehow feel them. Needless to say, I don't need your pretentious care. If that's all that you can give me, I don't want any of it. I'll be fine by myself.

 

 

numb

It's funny how one little thing can tick you off and then the world seems to be such an annoying place to be. All of a sudden, you can't stand that one person who has always been there for you and you can't help but to worry about every single little thing--things that don't even matter. Then, you let all of that, all of that little black unnecessary dots blind your eyes from seeing the good things in life. You are blind, always running, always chasing but you'll never get to the finish line. You couldn't even see a finish line. And your life, went by--just like that. 

i don't know why i am the way i am

What do you do when the person who hurt you the most is yourself? What do you do when the person who disappoint you the most is yourself? What do you do when you blame yourself for everything? Not knowing what is really going on, not knowing why you're feeling this way, not knowing, not knowing, not knowing. It hurts so much--that the tears refuse to come out. How am I supposed to let it out then? How am I supposed to lessen the pain in my heart when I couldn't even get it out? How am I supposed to make room for happiness when all my heart is filled up with are tears. Do I have to hurt myself now? In the hope that when the blood gushes out, so will the pain. In the hope. In the hope.

"I don't bother you--don't bother me."

Here I go. Writing what I should have written years ago. What I should have said to that someone (everyone) when they tell me what to wear, what to say, what to feel and when they tell me to be like them.

 

You see. You imitate. Then, you start to choose. You start to decide. What goes on and what goes in.

 

People are going to say what they are going to say. People are going to give out their opinions on you, on your life even when their opinions are not needed. Their intention might be as innocent as trying to help us from making mistakes but like it or not, we are going to make mistakes now and then; but isn't that how we learn? Mistakes are mistakes. Sometimes you can fix them but sometimes you just grow out of it and learn.

 

Besides, it's the choices we make that created us. Create who we are inside. It's the choices we make that distinguish us from other people. So, stop telling me that I should be more like you or that him should be more like her. Stop telling people who they should be like and just let them be them. As long as nobody is harming nobody then nobody should be in nobody's business.

 

In another unrelated but important note, if my clothes consist of only pastel colours and a dash of blue, just leave me be. I am perfectly content with my choice of clothes. Stop complaining and nagging about what I should wear and how I should act or say when I don't even bother to complain about your clothes or your attitude. I am perfectly happy with my choice. Be it with my clothes or my life--and I hope you're happy with yours.

The end.

"Everyone seems to have a clear idea on how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own."-Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist.

 

 

tea

If you're happy, you don't need to say that you're happy. If you're strong, you don't need to say that you're strong. It'll show in you. Just like how you believe in someone or something. You don't need to say it out loud, you just believe silently--in your heart. It's more believable that way, I supposed. Words can be convincing but words can create doubts too 'cause when you SPEAK, you give people the power to believe or doubt you but when you DO, people will see and they will believe. No room for doubts. And when you write--you give someone a piece of you. No matter what they'll think about it, you know better. No approval needed. As you have chose the words carefully and thoroughly, looking over it again and again. Making sure it's what you really want to say. Making sure what has been written

is what you feel and what you believe in. Making sure that everyone knows what's going on inside you. Action speaks louder and writing is a form of action. So, DO IT!

it's okay. repeat this 3 times.

There are times where I crave for affection and attention. Then I am scared that if I were to receive all these temporary love, my heart will go into the path where it should not go. Then, I'll be doomed forever. I guess i's okay for me to just live quietly, love silently. God knows best.

 

Cheers!

Listen, listen now to the words I am about to say. I am not the prettiest girl. I am not the bubbly one nor am I the smart one. I am not the kindest person, I am not the most loving one either. Every family has that one person who always locks herself in the bedroom, venting out in her blog. She has all these words and feelings purging from her like heavy rain pouring down after the clouds can't hold it much longer  but when the door is unlocked, she stays silent most of the time. No words came out from her. She kept it all inside. She just fade in to the backdrop. Well, in my family I happen to be that girl.

I'm the girl who sings her heart out in her bedroom, who possess different kinds of books on her shelves; just to keep her company. I'm the girl who has dozens of empty notebooks because she has so much to say but she can't seem to find the time to write it down or even when she did, she couldn't find the right words. So, her dozens of pretty notebooks stay empty. She wants to change that though and she's starting it now. So listen, listen close. Listen to the words I am about to say. I'm the girl who does not have everything in the world, who does not have guys drooling over her mesmerising beauty. I'm not that type of girl.

Standing at only 5 feet tall with a gap on my front teeth, pimples accessorising  my slightly dark skin, I know what I look like. So yes, I don't blame you for not giving me a second look. I am fine by it. So yes, I know. I know. I know I have my flaws. I know I am not perfect. I know I lead a mediocre life. I know. You don't have to compare me with anyone to make me feel bad because at times even when I'm alone, I feel sorry for myself. So, save yourself from all the troubles. You don't have to point out and highlight on the things that I don't have because I am perfectly content with what I have now. Unlike you, I don't depend my happiness on material things, things that will eventually leave me.

Having said that, I am not like you. I don't depend my happiness on anyone. 'Cause believe me when I say that people have their own lives. Everybody is making their marks in this world. They have to forget you once in while to live their lives so, I let them. I don't mind being alone now. I guess I think it's better for me to be alone because if something goes wrong in my life, I have no one to blame but myself. I'll suffer a little but I'll learn. Unlike you, I don't have anyone to bring me my cravings. I go get them myself because I don't want to depend on anyone to bring me the things I want. I want to get them myself. I guess I'm egoistic in that sense. But I think I prefer myself this way. 

So yes, I know me. I know myself. I know my flaws. You don't need to point them out for me. You can try to use it against me but know that it's not going to hurt me anymore 'cause I have come to accept my flaws; just as they are. While I have flaws, I have my strength too and I don't feel the need to tell you about it because I always believe that action speaks louder. So I'll just let them speak it for me. You may have a pretty face and all the attention from the world or you may have the brain and wise words to say but I don't mind. As long as I know how to love myself and make myself happy, I don't want to depend on you nor I want to let your attitudes or doings hurt me.

I'll just live my mediocre life and you can continue living your glorious life for all I care. So, cheers!

The Middle Sister

I am the middle sister. The one in between. Not oldest, not youngest, not boldest, not nicest. I am the shade of gray, the glass half empty or full, depending on your view. In my life, there has been little that I have done first or better than the one preceding or following me. Of all of us though, I am the only one who has been broken.

Just Listen by Sarah Dessen.