skinny love

I've stopped expecting too much. Different people lead different life. Different rewards are given to different people. It's all based on how we lived our life. Some people are good at drawing, some people are good at writing, some people are good at both. To do justice to ourselves is just to be happy with what God has given us and what Life has brought us to. The choices we made, even though the bad ones; it is all a guide for us to grow and live this wonderful Life of ours. I'm content. I may not be the best but I am different form the rest. We all are.

she's losing her faith

I'm so weak. So fragile. I think too much, I care too much and I hurt so much. I over-think the small things. I let small, insignificant thing ruin me. Sometimes it is hard for me to even complete a simple task. And I always fail. Every time I fail, I cry and when I cry, I would feel so weak. I always do things to please others but they're still not please. A lot of times, when the drama queen syndrome kicks in, I always thought that Life gives me harsher challenges for me to deal with. Then I thought again, maybe somewhere along the way, I did something wrong. Somewhere along the way, people got hurt because of me. Maybe that's why I am being given harsher obstacles to deal with. Or maybe.................................

I. am. just. weak.

so it seems

I'll have the walls painted dark blue. Dark blue like the sky at night. I'll add some small lights surrounding the walls to give myself an illusion of small little stars. I'll put some shelves by the window; filled with books so I can have my own mini library. I'll buy some t-shirt cotton sheets for my bed so my body could relax more--so I can sleep easier when night comes. I'll put a couple of speakers on the table so I can play my music; let it flow towards my sky wall and bright stars. I'll add some photos to keep some memories alive. This is how my room would be when I have one. It'll be my Escape.

take me there

To watch the city lights from afar; would be one of the wonders of the world.

where are you?

I wonder what it feels like to love and be loved, to have something to look forward for in life, to constantly be in someone's mind, to smile just knowing that I belong to someone, to tie myself up in a commitment without feeling so tied up, to have someone who looks at me and thinks I'm the prettiest thing he has ever seen, to have someone kiss my hand gently, to have someone say my name softly, to have someone just look at me and I know my world is complete. I wonder what it feels like.

suicidal but not yet brave

When the thoughts creep in, when I am left alone with my feelings; things become shady. I wonder if I will be able to find my purpose in living this life. Forgive me but I sometimes wonder if God is really there. I sometimes feel like if I die, I would lose nothing. Everybody would maybe drop a single tear or none at all but they would all live on and never grieve. This may make me sound selfish, but I do want to see people grieve at the thought of my loss. At least that way I know, someone actually cares. 

show me the sincerity

Life has been very black and white to me. I feel like I could not give a damn to the world and the world wouldn't mind with it. I am out of love to give, out of fuck to care. Whatever you say, say. Whatever you do, do. I'll just continue being me and let you be. Deep inside though, I can still feel that hint of care-ness in me. I still care about my friends (one friend in particular). But, in this black and white world of mine, how can I tell who's my friend and who's my foe? It's been slipping away from my touch and it hurts me so. I've always had that feeling that I was never her Priority but I shoved it away at the back of my mind. Now, it's coming back and I'm tired of shoving it to the back 'cause I'm starting to accept it to be the truth. The truth that I have always denied. Fuck, this hurts so bad. 

it's in my hands but i let it slip

I used to believe in happy endings. I used to think that falling in Love would be easy. I used to Dream that I would be watching the City Lights at night with my Loved one close with me. Me wrapping up against his warm body and him circling his arms around me. But I should know better. Dreams only last for a night. I used to think that I could do anything as long as my Passion stays with me. That part of me who used to believe in everything is now gone. I was so innocent back then. So naive. So stupid. Too naive to realise that time moves, thoughts changed, passions fade, doubts grew. I have stepped into some thorns. All were picked out just in time but the scar, the small holes it made, are forever stuck.   

Now, as all the spirits in me have left my soul, I honestly don't know what to hold onto anymore. 

who else can love me better?

Sometimes, I wonder if there are sadness between some random strangers' laughs. I wonder if they have ever felt useless, pitiful, and unworthy like I once did. I wonder if they share the same sorrow as mine. And for a second everyday, I wonder what it would be like to be them. But when the thought has passed, there's no other person beside myself I would rather be. Despite all these emotional, rage, sorrowful, pathetic, pitiful feeling inside me; I have come to love myself. Flaws and negative vibes I have in me; those are my Escapes.

make me believe that you(s) actually care

Lost all my Glitters and soul while I was trying to please you. I have not noticed when have I become not okay with being all alone. I have not noticed when your thoughts start to matter to me. I have not realised when I had let all the you(s) occupy my mind. Well now, I am searching back for my Glitters. Losing them all was not worth it for you(s). 

another phrase to get us by.

If you know you love someone, then why do people say feelings can be developed? Why do some people try so hard in loving someone when there's no feeling at all in the first place? Why do we try so hard in forcing ourselves to love someone? If Love is not a maybe thing, then it should be easy. You see me. I see you. You like me. I like you. We fall in Love. The end. But then again, it is not that easy right? No, it never was. Never will be.