There are times when all words seem to sound so wrong, all actions seem to be meaningless and no one can seem to fix anything. My boyfriend and I once got into a big fight and he told me that he did not see it coming because these things only happened in movies and my reply? "You better prepare yourself honey. My life will always be like a movie." For once, I wish I was wrong. Those words came to eat me just few days later. It was only a few days later when those words came back for me with the news that our precious Mother was diagnosed with cancer. Lung cancer.
For the first few days of finding out, it was hell for us. A single touch can break us down, a single word can shatter us and the word cancer suddenly became a taboo word for us. Not one of us can say the word. As if by not saying the word can help us forget its existence. We cried for most of our nights and days. The questions "Are you okay?" and "How are you holding up?" were the stupidest and were considered the most ignorant questions ever existed.
"No, I'm not fine."
"Oh, I don't know. How am I supposed to be holding up? Please do tell me."
It was definitely a fragile time for all of us. I personally started to wonder if I could even try to replace my Mother's love for all us. For some time, I started trying to remember the ways Mother took care of us. The way she cooked, the way she bought the groceries, what she did and what she didn't. Everything. Only the thought of it overwhelmed me so much, I gave up on trying to remember and went to sleep instead. It was such a fragile time and I personally wondered if I was even strong enough for this. For the first time, I was genuinely scared. Scared for not being strong enough.
Then, there were those tasks of breaking the news to the rest. Told all those closed ones and some of them were sympathetic and kind. The good ones usually went quiet and let me do the talking and honestly, that is by far the kindest thing you can do to someone who is grieving. Just listen. To the other some however, they succeeded in making me feel even worse than I already am. From the way they kept interrupting me with their life stories (suddenly it's about them) and to the 'good intention but bad advices.'
They told me that I am not allowed be angry. They told me that I needed to be positive. They told me to be understanding to other people. They told me to stop living my life and worse of all, they told me to BE STRONG.
I was told to stay calm because apparently life is fair (unless it happened to yourself of course, only then life becomes unfair). I was told to stay positive and forgive other people's mistakes simply for the lame reason like they do not know the right thing to say or do. I was told to take a semester leave, reduce the events in my social calendar, postpone my studies and etc. Basically, just STOP living my life. Then, I was told to be strong. Be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong.
May I ask you oh, dear wise people? What is the real meaning of that beautiful phrase you keep chanting to me? Have you done it before? When you said be strong, do you really know what you are saying or are you just saying it? By standing here right now, am I not being strong? Is this really not strong enough for you?
No comments:
Post a Comment